In other ways I'm quickly learning that life is still really hard. As the kids grow older I'm seeing a new set of challenges emerge. One of the biggest challenges these days is that everyone is talking and everyone wants to be heard, all at the same time. It is so so hard to find time for everyone to have their time to talk, and I worry that in the midst of the chaos and loudness I'm going to miss that one child who is quietly trying to tell me something important. It is also sensory overload for me to hear all four talking and clamoring for my attention at the same time. It is important to me that each child feels heard, that they know their thoughts are important. We are also getting to the stage with James where I feel like what he is dealing with really matters. His issues are important life lessons, different than the "which veggie should be his first solid and how many days of preschool should he go to?" Now it's become things like "How do we deal with kids who are mean but also are coming from bad home situations at school? How do we get him to live out all of the concepts we have been trying to teach the last 7 years and are starting to have to put into practice now that he is venturing out of our protective bubble? How much freedom do we give him and where should we still shelter him?"
Life is hard in that it is difficult to make sure each child gets the individual attention and time that they deserve, life is so busy right now with everyone's schedules and Ryan has been significantly busier at work which means the majority of the time it is a one parent household. One other challenging area that is coming fast is seeing Andrew and Kate become more independent, more verbal, more adamant to assert themselves. If I survive the 2's and 3's times two I will feel like I have earned a medal!
Our family is coming off a really crazy week. Ryan and I have gotten into a habit of trying to sit down together and map out our coming weeks so that we are on the same page with our schedules. Sunday night I had already asked him to pray for me because I felt overwhelmed just looking at our calendar. At first glance I saw the following for the week: teacher conference for James, soccer practice, tennis practice, picture day on Monday for A and K, picture day on Wednesday for Harrison, Harrison's science camp, appointment to get my car fixed, bible study, speech therapy for A and K, Ryan's night on call, Ryan had three different work meetings, James's school fall festival Friday, spirit week for James with different activities to remember to do each day, soccer game sat morning, neighborhood fall party Saturday, teach Harrison's Sunday school class Sunday, birthday party for A and K to attend Sunday afternoon, Ryan on call all weekend. This doesn't even include things like laundry, cooking, etc. The icing on this cake was that when looking at this calendar we also realized that for possibly the first time, at least since I can remember, Ryan was going to be gone every night and I would be on my own basically for the entire week with all the kids.
I do want to state that I actually am VERY intentional about trying not to over commit or over schedule. We say "no" to many things. I will say that as the kids get older it is harder; you can't hide activities that are going on because they are smart enough to listen and know what's happening and it is really hard to explain that you can't do certain things.
I was already overwhelmed and then life really hit. Tuesday night Andrew started crying, couldn't figure out what was wrong with him but I was up until almost 3 in the morning. I ended up only getting 10 hours of sleep total over the next three nights. By Wednesday at lunch he had a terrible wheeze. We have been down this road enough to know the drill, I immediately started breathing treatments every four hours. Thursday morning we were at the doctor- terrible ear infection, oral steroids for breathing, antibiotics. This meant measuring and giving three medicines twice a day plus the breathing treatments. He was miserable and trying to hold him down for these breathing treatments while dealing with the other three...it was hard. Ryan that day left for work at 5:30 in the morning and was home around 9:15 that night. By Friday afternoon Kate was wheezing too so that meant double the breathing treatments, double the fun, now six medicines to give and different doses to keep up with. The worst part of having sick twins or a sick kid with other young kids at home is that it is so hard to not be able to give your undivided attention to each child. The mom guilt of seeing your sick kid crying and just wanting cuddles is terrible yet at the same time life still is going on for everyone else- you still have to fix dinner, help with homework, etc.
 |
| One tired tired mommy |
Sat morning no one had a fever but we probably should have still been at home since A and K were both still wheezing but James had his soccer game so all the kids and I were out on the field before 8:30 that morning. I realize looking at that statement some people might judge why that was my choice and why I didn't just tell James he had to miss. I mean we are talking about soccer at the YMCA for a 7 year old, it is not that big of a deal. All I can tell you is that it is a really big deal to him and though it may not always appear this way on the blog my big boys miss out on so so much. I could write an entire post on how and what but it would just make me feel sad. Partly because they have twin younger siblings which make it hard to do things but also because they have a dad who works tough hours.
 |
| Everyone was happy for about 5 minutes and then the meltdowns hit |
By Saturday afternoon I was done, both physically and emotionally. All week long we have looked forward to Ryan coming home from his surgery and hopefully carving our pumpkins and then going to our neighborhood Halloween party together. We knew he was on call but the chances of having an emergency situation on a late Saturday afternoon were slim. Ryan walked in the door, I said "Thank God you are home because I am done." The kids were pumped to see him. I kid you not 10 minutes later his pager went off, emergency surgery needed. He immediately left and didn't get home till almost 8:00.
So is life easy now? Well thinking about this week I would have to say it sure doesn't feel easy. I also don't believe life is ever going to be "easy". It's not supposed to be and honestly I don't know if an easy life is even the life I desire for our family (but for the record I would love this next week to be super easy, lol) I also have lived long enough to know that none of what we are dealing with is really that hard but that fact also doesn't minimize the stress and hardship that we feel in the day to day, even if it is minor in the scheme of life.
As I was reflecting once again on the "Is life easier now" question after this week I thought to myself, "Yes! Actually it is". As cheesy as it sounds life is easier now because we have had two years to love each other as a family of six. And when you love someone it is easier to say yes to the sacrifice-whether it be staying up all night with a sick toddler or getting a babysitter so you can go to a school fall festival with your big kids instead of using that money for a date night or coming home after being in surgery all day just to find the energy to still play with your kids. The six of us know each other better now; we have had more experiences as a family, more laughter and fun, more tears and hard times and that has all built up to more love. This week was a reminder to me of sacrificial love and gave me a tiny glimpse into the heart of Jesus, that overwhelming love that He has for us and how that love made Him willing to sacrifice His life for me. As much as I love Ryan and these kids and as willing as I am to make sacrifices for them how amazing it is that Jesus loves us so much more and that His love is unconditional?
When I was on bed rest it was hard for me to sacrifice for Andrew and Kate because I didn't know them. Sure I loved them but I'll be honest- not like I loved James, Harrison and Ryan. I didn't have a relationship with those babies; I felt somewhat resentful for how their presence in our family disrupted our lives in so many ways. But now we know them and love them. Because of them we have had to say no to lots of things but that also means we have said yes to so much that has benefited our family. Because we have had to spend a lot of time at home these past two years we have had so much time together, to make memories. My kids have become best friends with each other because the majority of their time has been spent with each other. Because Ryan's schedule has been so awful these last few months we have been super intentional to carve out family time, to emphasize quality over quantity. So yes, life is easier now and even on weeks like this past one where Ryan and I are completely drained I am thankful for the easy and also for the hard because God is using it all to mold our family into something beautiful.
